literature

The Life Meter

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LionesseRampant's avatar
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Literature Text

My heart races as I palm the coin in my hand; my last one. I tuck a piece of my unruly hair behind my ear as I walk down the street, my footsteps slow. The clock tower across town strikes noon and I glance at the simple watch on my wrist to double check.

I look to either side of me, watching the other people go about their lives. I see a few of them standing at parking meters inserting coins. My stomach drops as I think about my last one.

Dozens of shops line the sidewalk, each of them filled with the products the government designates them to sell. I am tempted to go in and buy an ice cream, anything to take my mind off the single coin in my pocket, but I know I don't have the time.

Turning down Robison street, I pick up my pace, glancing back down at my watch.

Two more minutes.

My heart is beating in time with my feet as I run down the side walk. I slam my shoulder into a mass of people crowded around the front of a confection shop, gawking at a ten tiered cake in the window.

"Move!" I shout, and I stomp on a man's foot. He glowers at me, but I'm gone, pushing out of the back of the crowd.

I turn left onto 12th street and I can finally see it. Fourth meter from the right with the little pink stripe.

I take off down the street, reaching into my pocket and pulling out my coin. I already know I'm too late; my breathing is coming heavier and my vision is starting to get dark.

The meter is twenty feet away. I can clearly see the bright red pointer click to zero before I fall to the ground.
Day 31 of :iconflash-fic-month:!
:iconglory-be-project: Day 212

Word Count: 308

This is a new idea I'm developing. I haven't quite figured out specific details, but the idea is that you have a meter that determines how much life you have depending on the coins that you put into it. Like a parking meter. Bahaha. Thoughts?
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samjo989's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

I like this little piece - it's short but thought-provoking. The idea of our lives being artificially limited by some external agency requiring payment from us is not entirely novel, but I think the comparison with a parking meter is unique and interesting. Despite the small word-count, there are intriguing little details that paint an evocative picture: the shops selling only government-designated goods lend a sort of future-dystopian flavour; at the same time the presence of an actual clock tower striking noon, and the act of physically putting a coin into a machine, give the writing a somewhat old-fashioned air. It's an interesting dichotomy, and I think one that makes this piece stronger.

There are, however, things that in my opinion are a little off. Writing in first-person and present-tense does introduce an appealing urgency and immediacy, but it makes some of the descriptions stand out. For example, "I tuck a piece of my unruly hair behind my ear" - that's a third-person kind of description; I don't know anyone who would make a point of describing their own hair in that kind of impersonal way, especially while on such an urgent mission.

Another issue for me is that there seems to be one "life meter" per individual - our narrator goes to a specific meter, ignoring all the others. Just how many people are in this place, with its "dozens of shops" on a single sidewalk, and its "mass of people", and at-least-twelve streets? Would it really be feasible to have a different meter for each person? And why would these meters be out on the sidewalk, where they could presumably be tampered with by others? I'm aware that this is a flash fiction piece, and I could very well be overthinking this - but these little things to me can have a significant impact. Still, that's just my opinion!

All in all, I enjoyed both reading and thinking about this piece, which is always I think a good thing <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=":) (Smile)"/> I definitely agree this is worth developing further, and I'd love to know if you've written any more along these lines!