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Crimson lip stains
like spilled blood
drip from the walls,
smeared by a woman
whose six inch stiletto
heels can still be heard
clacking down the hall.
It took decades to cure
the wine on her breath, but only
seconds for her to drink it
and collapse onto down feather
cushions, billowed by dreams
that will never see the
light of day.

His navy blue uniform
falls to the ground as he
slips the hundred dollar
bill into the strap of her bra.
Their bodies connect like
a piercing blast from the
gun at his hip, and
her skin holds the taste
of metallic silk,
pliable beneath his
rough, callused fingers;
their love a ripe apple
plucked by Aphrodite on a
warm summers night.
Add a Comment:
Hey there, my dear! :huggle:

First I'd like to state that I'm going to be critiquing this piece as a part of ^Beccalicious' Cristmas is here! (Contest). But don't be afraid... it changes nothing. (As well as repayment for your lovely :points: donation.) :iconrubcheeksplz:

At the beginning of my critiques I like to start off with my overall impression before I get down to the dirty bits. :evillaugh: Although this poem carried no real message for me - it told an elaborate and enchanting story! Though the story may be gritty, it is deliciously so & I am so thankful you shared it with us. :huggle:

I'll begin with a few strong points I saw in your writing:

:bulletpurple: Imagery

The imagery in this piece is so glorious & detailed! For example:

"-whose six inch stiletto
heels can still be heard
clacking down the hall."

This quote is a perfect example of the illustrious imagery throughout. There is a clear vision in my mind that is both interesting & fabulously refreshing! Keep this amount of charm in your writing and you'll do well. :heart:

:bulletpurple: Similes

God - I could go on for days about your similes. The only word I can even fathom to describe them is.... well, sexy. I freaking loved them - and to show my appreciation I'm going to point out the best of the best & hope that everyone reading this critique will make a note of its genius:

"Their bodies connect like
a piercing blast from the
gun at his hip..."

A delicious symphony of flavor. :faint:

Now for the dirty, constructive bits: ^^;

:bulletred: Wording

In some places I felt the wording sort of fell apart and at times... didn't necessarily make sense. Of course you can attribute this to my intelligence as a reader :stupidme: - but let me give you an example to show you what I mean.

"- and collapse onto down feather
cushions, billowed by dreams..."

For me - billowed wasn't the best word to use here. I actually reread it twice to have a clearer understanding of it. I would consider changing it or disregarding my critique entirely if it's exactly what you meant to say. :dummy:

All in all, my dear - this was a lovely piece that told an enchanting story. As down and dirty as it was - I cannot help but appreciate the beauty that is your wordplay. Keep it up, darling! You have many great poems ahead of you. :huggle:

:heart: *OfOneSoul
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

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DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012
Congratulations this piece has been chosen as a winner in our Write and Revise Contest.
lion-essrampant Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh my gosh! Thanks so much! :huggle:
Hfeather53 Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I think you're fine without the filter. I read worse in high school English classes.
lion-essrampant Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Eheheeh XD Well, it's for a contest, and I asked the contest holder about it, and she said I should have it XD
Add a Comment:

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Submitted on
October 30, 2012
File Size
909 bytes
Mature Content


5 (who?)